I remember driving home one night, on the phone with a friend, and talking about what I would change in my past if I could change anything.
I rounded the bend and crossed the train tracks, almost home. I leaned forward, close to my steering wheel, as I always do when deep in thought or tired. "There are things I would do differently if I could."
"What would you do differently?" They asked.
"I'd wait. I'd wait patiently for marriage, if that's what God has, and I'd use my years wisely."
Yeah, sometimes in a human sense I wish I could go back and redo some things. But in truth, I wouldn't go back and change anything because God has used it to mold me and use me in ways that I never would have been otherwise. But I would like to write to you now and maybe be a tool to mold your future.
I know not long ago I would've been turned off by a title like this one, but, it was a post like this at twenty-one that God used to change the empty course I was on.
So, I understand your aversion to this very concept. Trust me, I've been there, and I get it.
I think the idea that God is enough & that He's the fulfillment of all our deep longings for love is really hard to accept at first. It doesn't seem possible.
So let's just start there because I think that was the hardest part for me.
I remember getting irritated at people who would even talk about that. Inside I would roll my eyes and "yeah right" them.
But to be honest I felt anger that they seemed to have a peace and contentment and purpose that I didn't. I wanted that.
I craved love I could see, understand, and feel. I craved love that was tangible. Love that I could live life with and wake up to and build a home with and raise children with. And I knew Jesus alone and singleness couldn't give me all of those tangible (even good) things and so I just wasn't interested and I wasn't buying it.
I wanted to be loved & I just couldn't understand Jesus's love.
Those desires were overwhelming and they were my ticket to fulfillment and happiness and purpose and I just didn't have anything else.
I remember the night that concluded my two weeks of wrestling with the very idea that I really didn't know what God had for my life and the things I desired were not guaranteed.
My life was oriented around another god and it was crumbling.
My prayer journal was open and I was asking God all kinds of questions. And then I formed a question to myself.
If God never gave you marriage & your desire to be loved by a man, would you still serve him?
And in that life-changing moment of clarity I thought about eternity & how marriage isn't eternal & what does that mean.
And that question began a long and hard but good road to understanding what life is about & what real love is. That the Author of real love is Jesus & He's the ultimate love that goes to the deepest parts of our souls.
The next couple of years would be the hardest I have since known, but they solidified the truth that began it's "baby steps" that night while forming questions to God in prayer.
His love is enough for long days & nights.
your broken heart.
your unmet expectations.
your battle with sin.
your painful memories.
One of the most amazing things?
He gets it.
He gets the sometimes long journey we take to get to a place where we really believe that this life is about His love and everything else is just a reflection of that.
I'm writing this to wherever you are in your journey.
Maybe this is another reminder that God keeps is using to soften your heart. Maybe this is the first time you've heard it. Maybe you're broken by the world's cheap representations of love and this message is like water in your desert and healing to your heart.
Maybe you feel you've wasted your years like I did.
Talk to Jesus and tell Him where you're at because the truth is, I can't convince you that His love is enough.
All I can do is tell you my story; the story of a girl who lived in disbelief that Jesus could ever be enough & chased all the wrong loves & found Jesus's love at the end of it.
A woman who's discovering day by day that this life is about a different & better love than she ever imagined.
©2017 Jennifer Langley